It is hard to describe. There is a heavy anxiety about going back out into the real world tomorrow. It has been a few months of straight head down focus on Allison, her illness and this crazy rollercoaster we have been riding. The short of it, is that Allison is doing great. Her numbers are coming up (WBC, Platelets, Hemoglobin etc) which is all a sign that things are moving forward as hoped. She is eating and although not putting back on weight yet, she has stopped losing weight and that is good. We are on the way back...
But how do I get back?
I know it might sound silly, however breaking the “Groundhog Day” routine that I have established here in Ottawa seems more difficult than I had imagined. Tomorrow will be the first morning that I won’t get up and drive to my fave bagel shop and then to the hospital for the day. Almost a month has passed since this routine began. Wake, drive, park, go into hospital, help Allison with her daily living, monitor drugs, track effects, monitor pain, track ups and downs, feed, wash, repeat. And I have done this willingly and without reluctance, as weird as it sounds I’ve enjoyed this process and managed to deal with most of the negative with more grace than I’d imagined. Only recently am I starting to see how much mental and emotional energy this requires.
Allison’s aunt and cousin have arrived. Tomorrow morning I wake and get on the first of eight flights that I will take over the next five days. I will play shows with the Watchmen starting with the Toronto benefit tomorrow night.
I have put on several multi band shows before. As many as 30 bands in a night - and they have all run without a hitch. I guess it is my mental state combined with the social bubble I’ve been living in, but I can’t seem to get my head around everything. All the bands are set, the backline is ordered, the crew are arranged, my gear is all set - but damn I am out of sorts.
Allison gets released from the hospital on Thursday to return to the apartment. There will still be much monitoring with daily and then weekly into monthly visits. Part of me feels like I’ve just run a marathon but don’t get to cross the finish line. I know Allison is in good hands - I guess I’m just conditioned to be the one carrying the weight.
This week I leave my wife in the capable hands of others while I get back into the world to come out and play music for and with you all. Baby steps for her and baby steps for me. Love you all and look forward to seeing you on the road.